Jake’s Life

So I ended up not having to work tonight. I talked to my Sergeant (who I could hear on the phone was restraining his temper at some current things going on) who ended up not needing me tonight, so I enjoyed the rest of the time with Sandro. I took him home yesterday afternoon and when I got home I got ready for a nap (with the help of Yellow Tail). I try to get back into my work schedule the night before my Monday, which is likely your Sunday. Anyway, I fell asleep around 5pm and woke up at midnight. I then did what I do every time I just wake up…I grabbed my Pocket PC and checked Google Reader.

Jay posted something today which referenced an earlier post of a hookup he had, with an included recommendation to read it. Being the weak-minded fool I am just waking up, I fell for it. It was definitely not the kind of post he usually writes (although I will be guilty of that by the end of this post as well), but oddly helped me understand a few things about myself.

After reading the post about his hookup I decided to check out all of his posts about sex. Reading through them I saw a lot of things that I felt when I first moved into my own place (which translates into the opportunity to be nasty on a regular basis). He mentions fear a lot, but fear of disease and infection. He also questioned himself that when he is older and looks back will a fear of sex be all he remembers?

I’ll be honest, it’s about 3am right now, so these thoughts came to me waking up about three hours ago, so I’m going to try to convey the epiphany as well as I can.

When I was newly on my own (semi…more to come on that) I had me some sex. I’ll be honest, I was 18 and horny. Working as a manager at an adult store was great for me at the time, but both of these factors led me to some realizations. One, sex is great but only at certain times, and with certain people. The gay community emphasizes sex so much, and I’ve always had issues with this. Along with sex comes the looks, another emphasis. While I did have the first, I don’t consider myself as having the second. While I think I’m handsome, cute, I’ve never considered myself hot or something to lust over. I’m not coming down on myself, just exhibiting the self-awareness I have.

Anyway, Jay questions his fears and feelings on sex:

There’s also an element of guilt for some reason. But what exactly would I be guilty of?
If I’m horny and single, why can’t I every once in a while?
Especially given the protection currently available?

I understand the guilt part. Even in a relationship I used to have that churning feeling in the pit of my stomach afterwards, and that was with someone I had been dating for almost a year. Looking back I chalked it up to my insecurity in my own looks. I’ve been with some hot guys, guys that I never thought I could be with sexually, gay and straight, and I see that as either I am more attractive than I think or that they were the few guys who can actually see past looks.

I guess my fear was that if I were to engross myself in the sexual activity like my peers (peers meaning other gay males my age) that I would somehow end up like them and inflict upon others what I had felt from them. Being one who views sex like roses (cheesy, I know, but if you give them to everyone how special are they when you give them to someone you’re in love with?), I also feared that I would come to view sex as just the physical aspect of love. Many go around saying that it’s physical, we’re humans, it’s in our nature. I think that’s true, but I also believe that what separates us from animals is that we can reason and see past baseline physical urges. After all, most crimes are based on physical or material human urges.

Jay’s post helped me understand some more things about my own viewpoints, which are largely based on my understanding of others. I’m one who enjoys learning from others’ mistakes (I know that may sound heartless, but it’s really not), and not to say that anyone in particular is making those mistakes, just in general. That’s why I like reality TV. LOL.